Success or ?

Everyone wants success. For most of the people, success is just earning a lot of money and have a luxurious life. For this to be achieved in the future, first you must get into a prestigious university , e.g Oxford, Cambridge, at my age. My peers are all competing to get a place from it, even competing to be board of directors of the club to gain high marks for co-curriculum marks for getting a higher chance to get into those universities. Quite sad to say, it is very hard, for me, an average student. I`m also wondering why, why must we compete and torture each other; why must we compete, by all means, no matter it`s right or wrong; why must we compete until we hate each other; why must we have the same goal; why must we have the same definition of success?

I could not understand, now and then, or maybe I will never understand? This world seems harmonious yet dangerous. I feel like I have trapped into somebody`s master plan. Are those songs singing how you can live your own life, how you can have your own definition of success just merely songs that can never be treated as reality? I do not want, I do not want the unfairness, hate, fake or other negativeness exist in this world. But what can I do, reality hurts people, finally i know that what makes the differences between adults and children. Adults have seen all the dark sides of people, reality of the world while children have not. What should I do? I do not know. Maybe this is the journey of growing up.

What if a taxi driver who you first met invites you to clubbing?

Okay, this was a pretty scary cab experience that I have ever met in Subang, Malaysia. My friend and I were waiting for a cab, it is 12.00 am. A cab came and rolled down the car window, two guys were in there, they seem like Middle Eastern. I am not being racist or what, but I have a really bad feeling once I got into the car. The guy next to the driver kept talking to the phone and saying rude words like ” fucking idiot, I have waited u for like more than an hour!” They were going to the night club. I was already thinking what should I do if anything bad happens, jump out of the car? That was the only way.

They also speak the language which I cannot understand. And I noticed that the driver was not fastening his seat belt and I was not sure if he has a car license. When we almost arrived, that guys was like”Do you wanna join us ladies?” At that very moment, I was shocked, I did not dare to look at him and I immediately, without any thinking, and said “No.” Oh my god, why are you inviting me, I do not know you, and I just wanted to go home! Thanks God, I arrived safely anyway. I wish this kind of situation don`t ever happen in my life anymore.

When I got into my room, I felt so terrifying, but I have no one to talk to, to express my fear. Unlike my friend, she got one of his boy friend , not “boyfriend” to walk her home after reaching my house. And she got two boys to talk to, and those guys like her so much and even want to treat her hot milk that I cannot even dream of. Of course, she is pretty and cute and smart and have excellent result all the time, whereas me? Oh no, I don`t even want to think about how useless I am. I am not good enough, ugly, stupid and am an average. Besides, I was thinking to past my fb status about this, and guess what? She had already posted it and so here is my only way to express my feelings. How nice to have somebody to care of you, and this would not happen in my life. Yeah, maybe because I`m not good enough.

What? Exam is coming soon?!

Are you kidding me, teacher? We have only a month to go from date of the exam? That exam which will crown me or kill me, let me cry in happiness or drown me in tearless despair? Teacher, did you get the information wrong?

NO way! I can`t believe it! It`s rushing towards me now, I can`t blink my eyes, I was scared I would be sitting in the exam hall once I blink my eyes.  The time was still at that very moment my teacher announced the date of the exam and my mind was blank.

The time flies with the speed of light! I realised that I have no time to prepare my exam. I still have many tasks to complete. My grammar was not improving; my writing skill was not developing; my knowledge was not widening. And it`s all about time.

I`m tired after school everyday. There was not enough time to study after school. I feel like I`m tired every single minute. I was tired at the school and home.” No, you could not be in this way, you will be lack of preparation to sit the exam and you definitely will not get a good grade!” I told myself. I searched for study motivation through videos and quotes, trying to get myself motivated and fight with sleepiness and also laziness that have been following me since I was born.

Oh God, please render me some help and strength. I have to and I must fight! I cannot even think of giving up, I would not be sleeping each night until I get my goal of the day done, by hook or by crook! Don`t you want to study in prestigious university in UK? Don`t you want to make your parents be proud of you? Don`t you want to prove to those who look down on you that you can do it and are way better than them? Don`t you want to slap their faces stop them from humiliating and underestimating you? Don`t you want success? Yeah, I WANT. I want it so BADLY, as bad as trying to breathe underwater. There is no turning back, Jaclyn. No turning back.

Bye 2014!

It`s not too late to officially say goodbye now right. Here comes the moment I`m going to summarize my 2014. Overall, a adventurous, risky, boring, suffering, happy, achievable year.

I welcomed the year by saying goodbye to my high school. Then, searching college and waiting for final exam result. The waiting time is freaking bored. On March, the result finally came out. I got quite excellent result and I`m satisfied with it because it could be said to be compatible with my effort on it. I still remembered that moment when my name got called to receive the present given to those who get full As, it`s unbelievable, I stopped with my eyes and mouth wide-opened and rapidly got on stage.That`s an achievement.

Next, I was in National Service Camp for three months since April. Those three months…uhh, I`m not going to say it here, because that`s a long story. An honest and frank post about National Service Camp.

After that, I got into college. My adventure commenced. Until now, I`ll say my college experiences were not so fabulous and wonderful as I thought. I made friends but still, not so happy with them compared to my high school friends. Maybe they`re right,”high school friends are friends for life”.

One of the achievement I had in college is I joined Jujitsu Club and passed the grading test of orange belt. I learned how to use the transportation like cab, Monorail, commuter and bus. With this , I can travel alone to more places whenever I want. I felt that I had grown up a little mentally, physically and emotionally. Things are changing, being open-minded is so vital to survive in society.Learned that the earth is not spinning around only you, be good to people, always, who cares if it`s pretending.

So, I`ve learned lessons in previous year. In this year, let`s paint it colourful.


19 teen

Upcoming post

There are many feelings that I felt that wanted to write and share about, some little but frequently appeared when I`m into something.

There`s one I can write here is, the feeling when you`ve got something that you can`t wait to write and post it here. It`s an excitement!!

Make It Count- A message to Jack Ma, pioneer of Alibaba Group

You’ve been given the opportunity to send one message to one person you wouldn’t normally have access to (for example: the President. Kim Kardashian. A coffee grower in Ethiopia). Who’s the person you choose, and what’s the message?

Jack Ma is the person who I would like to send a message to him. As his company, Alibaba Group had become a hot topic globally recently because it has become one of the biggest initial public offering . I had read some of the quotes and articles of him. I found that his suggestions to new generation are really right to the point, saying our weaknesses of the generation, make me wonder if he really knows about us, I mean, the new generation he meant?

Dear Mr.Jack Ma

I can`t deny that some points of you had sharply showed the problems we faced in the society and job career nowadays, but do you really know the roots of our problems? Like, depression and all kind of mental health problems that had raised over the years? I want to know what`s your opinion about these mental health problems, like are we being too weak in the spirit?

My problem is that I do not know the things I passionate about, so I can`t make up my mind when it comes to a decision to what courses should I take and what is the job I`ll be in in the future. I have been struggling since my graduation of secondary education. I just do not know! And the main problem is, how do I know?! As everybody`s telling you the right things to do, I feel like I can`t live my own life. I have never been brave for once, for the sake of myself. And I have also been struggling about the meaning of life, what is the purpose I`m here? I have no idea. And I want to ask, do you know the purpose you`re here? If you know, since when you know? How does the acknowledgement affect your life?

I feel like I have been constrained of many factors, social norms, others opinion, social values, aesthetics of women and so on. I feel like I have been bounded by these things and really get enough of it!  Are fitting into the society, following these invisible rules the only ways in order to survive in the society or to be seen by the society?

Many greats keep telling us to follow your passion, what if I don`t know what my passion is? Then, how did you discover your passion and firstly, are you following your passion right now? Are the things you`re doing now is what your passionate about?

I wouldn`t have write this to you and shouldn`t have wasting time if I know what should I do, now and future. So, as for me, the new generation you`re indicating, these are my problems and I really eager to know the solutions and the answers.


From: Jaclyn